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| I haven't been on here in so long. but the good news is i've lost a lot of weight since the last time i wrote.. thank god. but idk, i'm writing this because i dont know what to do or where to go. i need to vent. deeep breath..
Ever since the last like 3 weeks of this last semester I met someone who was absolutely amazing and really had me at the moment we started dancing when we were out celebrating my friends birthday. Everyone was drunk and was having an awesome time but when it came time to leave I had this weird feeling.. and usually these feelings are always right. I felt like everything was going to be okay and that I've finally felt really happy. Weird i know, but seriously it felt so great. When we all left the club a group of people came back to my house to keep drinking and cut my friends bday cake. And of the group of people who came back, Nick was one of them. I tried not to think of anything because that's what ruins things. So later on in the night everyone eventually left and I told my friend Shannon that I thought Nick was soo hot and really nice, and she goes "He just asked me for your number." I felt soo awesome because that never happens for me. Soon enough he texted me and told me to come over and cuddle with him, but since i took an E pill i wanted him to come to my place. i told him "noo you come cuddle with me :)" and he goes "really?" then i was like "yea, unless you're too drunky lol" and he goes, noo i'm coming now. And he slept over but we stayed up realllllly late, especially because we didnt get home until like 2AM and I was rolling face. So we probably didn't end up passing out until like 730AM. But the good thing was that we didnt fuck. I didnt want to, and he respected that. Up until he had to leave to go home because he was done with finals we spent every day and night together. It was awesome. The bad part is how he lives about 5 hours from me :( and we didnt end up talking about what we were guna do with each other over the summer. We never set boundaries or anything so neither of us knew what to expect from the summer.
This past weekend was his 21st bday, on the 21st. So me and 2 of my friends from college drove those 5 hours to see him and celebrate. I bought him this $70 bong that was soo cool too. We all thought everything was going to turn out awesome and have a great time getting fucked up and just being together. But no, i was so wrong about it all. He got too drunk and probably blacked out by the time i was finally getting drunk, who knows. I ended up blacking out for a portion of the night, until i started crying. that's when i start to remember what was going on. Apparently i saw him with his ex hanging all over him. and i just didnt know what to do. i just drove 5 hours to see this guy and he really fucked me over x10000 in front of my face. whether he knows if that happened or not, idk if he did it that night i can only imagine what else has happened since hes been back at home for the summer. but after i saw that and started crying i started saying how much of a douche bag and everything he was and i guess his parents were there when i said it. but they agreed 100%. So after that me and my 2 friends left and went to the hotel rooms his parents bought for us. (they are fucking wayyyy more loaded than i have ever imagined) once we were there i cried harder than i think i've ever cried before. ive never been so hurt before in my life and never allowed that to happen to me until it finally did.
we left in the morning because we had to check out for 11 AM. his mom picked us up so we could go back and get our car from his house. before we left i put a letter in the door trying to explain what i felt and to let him understand everything from my point of view, whether he was drunk or not. and then we left. i didnt say bye i didnt get a hug i didnt get anything and i miss the everloving shit out of him. i dont know what i'm supposed to do. ive never liked a person so quick or so much. and it's not because of what he has. i grew up with the bare necessities of life and i appreciate everything that i do have. so all of the things he does have doesnt phase me at all, except for the fact of me not knowing how to react to it all. idk im so hurt and i wish he would just call and talk to me. he apologized, but i dont think he knows what he's apologizing for. and he did that through text. i feel thats so pussy and i deserve a phone call. but i dont know... maybe this is it for us. who knows, but i wish things would go right for me. they never have and so far it seems as though they never will. :/
he's supposed to be coming around my area in like 2 weeks for the DMB concert and to visit people from college that live about half hour from me. that was supposed to be the weekend he came to seee me too.. but at this point who knows what's going to happen :(
i need a hug
i need love
i need him.
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| So today I went for a walk with my roommate and another friend. We walked over almost 2 miles and made sure we took the longest ways, along with going up huge hills back to campus. After that we went to the gym for almost 2 hours and that definitely felt so good. One of my guy friends who runs track and field is helping me get into shape by pushing me and making me do abs nonstop. I like it. Good thing there are people here at college who can help me out. I can't wait to look good in a bathing suit for summer!! Now I'm really pumped and have a lot of motivation. No more eathing past 7 either. Hopefully I can slow down on how much weed I'm smoking so that I don't get the munchies!! Drinking definitely needs to be toned down as well... ahhh I'm not sure how I'll be able to do it, but good thing theres only 26 days until this semesters done. Summer time here I come. | | |
| today was an alright day, had some foods i definitely shouldn't have but i only had a little of them if that counts for anything. training myself what to eat and how much is going to be tough but baby steps is the only way to get started. if only food didn't taste so good! in my dorm i am one of 4 girls and i am the biggest. everything about me is bigger than everyone else and sucking it in can only do me so much :[. summer is the only thing on my mind so looking good is an absolute must!!! maybe tomorrow will be a better day... | | |
| to whoever is reading this... i need some help. i dislike my body and i need to do something about it fast. summer is approaching and i need some extreme thinspiration. no one knows how badly i rip myself apart and can't even deal with looking at myself in the mirror. is there anyone out there who can help me get past the hunger pains and focus more on becoming beautiful?  
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